Confidence de-mystified

If you are a woman who feels a lack of confidence is holding you back, you need to read this. Confidence is not the elusive, mythical, unobtainable beast it has been made out to be. It's not something we are just born with or without. It is a skill, and like any skill, it can be learned, cultivated, honed and expanded.

In a nutshell, most women feel they lack confidence & the two areas this impacts the most are career and relationships. Rather than discuss the reasons for this (societal conditioning, gender inequality and more), I want to focus on two things in this post;

1: understanding what confidence is and is not.

2: taking action steps to develop your own self-confidence.

Where does confidence come from?

It's not something we are born with, it is something we learn, or rather we are taught, by the people closest to us and the world around us. Between the ages of 0-7 our subconscious mind absorbs thoughts & ideas from the world around us, like a sponge. These thoughts are then processed by the conscious mind, given meaning, and these meanings harden into facts or beliefs in our subconscious mind. These beliefs affect how we see the world as adults, and in turn control how we think, feel, and act as, we live our lives. If you were not given positive messages as a child, told to believe in yourself, given permission to be the the best version of yourself etc. you may not have grown into a confident adult. Alternatively, you could have been given all the right messages as a child, but then experienced something traumatic like bullying at school, your parents divorcing, or something that made you feel bad about yourself in any way.

Regardless, the key thing to remember here is that the brain can be re-wired (just research neuro-plasticity to see the the latest scientific research on this), and once we know how to take steps to build our confidence as adults, immense change is possible. So are you willing to take the steps? Can you be open to the possibility that you can leave your past behind you and create a new you? If your answer is yes & yes, then congratulations, you have just taken the first step - a willingness to learn and change :)

Step 2: Self-talk & training the subconscious:

Your subconscious mind is the focus here, and it's important to know this about it. The subconscious does not know truth from fiction, it merely absorbs what you tell it. And what you tell it is what you will eventually see as "truth". It needs to be told something more than once, for this to harden into a belief, it takes repetition and commitment. In order to change or re-program the thoughts that are buried there, we need to be self-aware. This is relatively simple - let me explain how. Imagine a scenario where you typically believe yourself to be low in confidence. This could be at a job interview, on a first date, meeting people, speaking in public etc. Really tune into this scenario, by closing your eyes and re-playing a recent event in your mind. How were you feeling, what were you thinking? It's usually things like "I get so nervous in interviews, I can't think of what to say" or "I hate first dates, I worry too much about how I look / sound / act" etc. Take a moment to write them down, trust me & don't skip this step, it's essential to write down the negative thoughts / limiting beliefs.

These thoughts are the ones in your subconscious that you have accepted as truth, but they are not, remember this: "A belief is just a thought that you keep thinking". Truth is very subjective, and you can create new beliefs just by flipping these thoughts. Yes it is this simple, you developed the limiting belief by thinking the same negative thoughts over and over, without even trying. But knowledge is power and we are going to change this. If you are doubting me, please research "The Placebo Affect" to understand how easily we influence our reality via our thoughts and beliefs. So now that we are aware of the thoughts, we will think the opposite, and dedicate ourselves to practicing and repeating this. Neuro-science tells us that to establish a new neural pathway, we need to think something 10,000 times. Do not fear the number, just passively thinking something for a few days will exceed this number. But it can happen faster, so make a start and soon you will notice you are feeling, thinking and behaving more positively. Instead of "I am so nervous on dates" you will replace it with something like "I am always calm on dates" or "I love meeting new people". For interviews you can try "I always know what to say and give great answers" and "I know I am right for this role" - the key is to find a thought that feels good, opposes the negative one, and repeat it often. Even taking 5 minutes per day to do this will create change very soon. By repeating the thought, known as affirming, the new pathway is created and is strengthened every time you repeat it, and eventually becomes "fact" in your subconscious. You can also soothe yourself in a loving way, as if you are speaking to a child - these are called inner conversations and are used throughout psychology. Let's say you have an interview coming up, instead of allowing yourself to spiral with negative thoughts about not being confident / good enough etc. say to yourself - it's ok, you've go this, you can get better at speaking, you can learn good answers, you know you are good enough....and so on, speak to yourself like a loving mother does to her child.

If you start with these steps, you will feel the changes soon. I will be back with other steps to build on this, but it takes time and commitment, like working out at the gym. So congratulate yourself for every small step and know that you can do this, I am cheering you on as always!